Depression’s Life Force

It helps to conceptualize Depression as an entity, separate from your “True Self,” that takes up residence in your being. As a separate entity, it develops a life force, a survival instinct, and its own voice. We all have little “voices” inside our head that we learn to recognize as thoughts, ideas, and experiences. Depression is very adept at blending in with the thoughts that are generated from our True Selves. However, unlike the voice of Truth, the voice of Depression is designed to keep Depression alive and thriving, so anything you might do to weaken it or drown it out (i.e., your efforts to improve your mental health) is met with resistance that can take the form of getting louder, heightened intensity, or new tactics. It can be very clever, overwhelming, convincing, and seductive, to the point that you may believe it is actually your own voice, coming from your True Self. One of the most effective ways to counteract the temptation to succumb to this voice is to learn to recognize it.

Recognizing Depression’s Voice

There are three distinct qualities that distinguish the voice of Depression from the voice of Truth:

1. Depression uses absolutes, like “always” and “never,” to give you the impression that things cannot change.
2. Depression uses destructive rather than constructive language, attacking your character and eliciting shame.
3. Depression uses words and phrases that isolate you and make you want to withdraw.

Each of these qualities is designed to feed the life force of Depression, blinding you to your Truth. Once you are able to identify the voice of Depression and distinguish it from Truth, you will have laid the groundwork for learning to replace these thoughts and beliefs with your Truth.

Absolutes

Depression wants you to believe that your current life situation, state of being, or emotional experience is static. It tells you things like, “You will neveramount to anything,” “You are always going to feel miserable,” and “No onecould ever love you.” These kinds of absolutes breed hopelessness, which is the bread and butter of Depression. The fallacy in these types of statements is that change is guaranteed in life. Emotions change fairly rapidly, in both intensity and type. People’s life situations may or may not change, but our attitudes toward and ability to cope with those situations certainly can change over time, particularly with the help of a mental health professional. And as you come to understand and accept your intrinsic value, you can learn to receive love and affection from others. So, when you are feeling hopeless about the possibility of your life and emotional state improving, look for the underlying statements that contain absolutes, and recognize that these lies are uttered by the voice of Depression.

Destructive Language

Depression wants to tear you down rather than build you up, so it attacks your character and worth instead of focusing on a behavior or event. If you do poorly on a test, Depression might say, “You’re an idiot,” or “You’re a terrible student,” when the Truth may be anything from “You didn’t study enough for that test,” to “That was a really hard test!” If you snap at your children, Depression might try to convince you that you’re a terrible parent, when the Truth may be that you are a loving parent who is stressed or tired or struggling in some way and made a mistake and responded harshly. Depression may convince you to interpret being turned down for a date or a job as proof that you are worthless, completely disregarding the multitudes of other possible reasons for these “rejections” that have nothing whatsoever to do with your character or value as a person. The key here is to separate the behavior from the person, accepting the idea that a person’s actions don’t define the person or determine their worth as an individual. This is not to say that actions don’t have consequences, or that we should not feel regret when we make mistakes or errors in judgment. This is where the constructive language (which builds you up and comes from the voice of Truth) comes in. Admitting to yourself that you “screwed up” gives you the opportunity to learn from it, make amends, and move forward with the intent of not making that mistake again. It also means you are among the ranks of the merely human – we ALL screw up in life. If you take the statement “I screwed up” and add one little word: “I am screwed up,” the meaning changes drastically! The first statement is constructive and (if you really did make a mistake and aren’t taking the blame for something that is not your responsibility) truthful, while the second statement is destructive and shaming. So, when you feel shame or worthlessness, look for the destructive lies that Depression is feeding you.

Isolating Words

Depression thrives on loneliness, detachment, and a sense of differentness. It may tell you that nobody understands you, and/or that no one could possibly understand you. Similarly, it may tell you that you are the only one feeling this way, getting you to believe that everyone around you has an idyllic life and/or is handling life better than you are. Another tactic it uses is to convince you that telling someone how you’re feeling will burden them or bring them down with you. Likewise, it may whisper to you that you’re no fun to be around and will spoil everyone else’s good time, so you shouldn’t engage in social activities. Remembering that we are conceptualizing Depression as having its own life force, isolation is a surefire way of keeping it alive and thriving. We are all wired for connection – being in relationship with others – and making those connections and speaking about your struggles is one of the most effective ways of reducing the power Depression has in your life. Whether with friends, family, leaders in your faith community, or a therapist, connecting with trustworthy people and talking about your fear and anguish allows you to see that you’re not alone and you’re not a burden. You will be surprised – shocked – at how many people say, “Me too!”

Your Truth

As you learn to recognize the voice of Depression you, which I recommend that people do under the care and guidance of a mental health professional, you will begin to uncover your Truth: the intrinsic value you possess just by virtue of being you; the unique gifts and character you bring into the world; the hope you can garner from the knowledge that change is possible. The voice of Depression will eventually fade – perhaps not into nothingness, but at least to a level that is easily manageable – and the voice of Truth will speak “loud and proud” into your life.

The post The Voice of Depression appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

The Question

How often do we think about non-sexual intimacy? Do we even know what that looks like?

My now-wife-then-fiancée and I were asked these questions during our engagement, and it changed the way we looked at our relationship. We thought we knew what sexual intimacy was supposed to look like, yet we were at a loss for what non-sexual/non-physical intimacy was supposed to look like. We set out during our engagement to develop habits that would build intimacy with each other non-sexually, and what we found on that journey has marked our relationship in a wonderful way!

Often there is a pressure to communicate in a crystal-clear manner, or to use only 140 characters [or I guess 280 now] to express a thought or feeling. These are great aspects of language, but there is something beautiful about a lingering conversation. What my wife and I began doing to build intimacy is something I called “Pillowtalk.” Pillowtalk is a lingering conversation between the two of us in bed, typically before we fall asleep, when we discuss the day and random thoughts. It is a beautiful and intimate time for the two of us that is not difficult to replicate in your own relationships!

The Answer

Here are the three important things to remember when building non-sexual intimacy with someone through pillowtalk:

1. Put away the phone and turn off the TV, and maybe the lights too

So often we are caught up by distracting screens and are not truly present with our surroundings, which is why I would recommend that couples (especially young couples) keep the TV out of the bedroom. Turning off screens allows us to be present with our significant other in a more significant way. Often times my wife and I will turn the lights off, hold hands in bed lying side by side, and just talk until we drift off to sleep.

2. It doesn’t have to be anything important

Just talk about normal everyday things: how it felt when your boss said that one thing to you, and what you enjoyed most about your day. Then take the time to listen to what your partner has to say. It doesn’t have to be deep an intimate conversation every night, though there will be times when those things come up. The mere fact that you are willing to share and listen will speak volumes to the other person and build a lasting connection.

3. Embrace the silence

Silence is powerful. It can mean a lot to sit with someone in silence and simply be present with that person. You may find that the silence is uncomfortable and maybe even awkward, but with time it will be beautiful and peaceful as you learn to be still with another person.

Final Thoughts

My wife and I continue to take time for pillowtalk and it continues to be precious to us. We still take the time to linger together in conversation, undistracted by phones, books, or any other visual distraction. We are simply present with each other. Each time we have these lingering conversations I feel so much closer to my wife.

I’d challenge anyone reading this to find someone you care about this week and spend some time in lingering conversation with them. You don’t need to talk about anything in particular, just talk and enjoy each other’s company.

The post Pillowtalk appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

The Problem

Why did we get angry at that person? Why did we get offended when someone challenged an idea we had? Why did we lose our temper when things didn’t go according to plan? Why can’t we forgive ourselves for past transgressions? These things may have happened because our ego is out of control, plain and simple.

Unnecessary frustration, uncontrolled emotion, taking offense… all of these reactions outwardly scream “I KNOW BETTER, HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE ME!”, while the interior voice yells, “YOU IDIOT, YOU ARE A FAILURE, YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED!”. This stance is a stance of weakness, ignorance of self, and ego.

Our ego (when it is out of control) is our enemy. We have the ability to choose to take ownership (of our life, our thoughts, and our actions) and lead ourselves into greater freedom and depth of experience. Yet, our unchecked ego prevents us from experiencing that freedom because it causes us to lose compassion, place competition over relationship, be overly critical of others, refuse help, and adds stress to our life as a result.

The Solution

So how do we gain control over an ego that has run riot? There are many different approaches to addressing this issue. However, the first two steps to on our journey towards authenticity are practicing forgiveness of self and others, and being honest with ourselves about our motivation.

•       Forgiveness
  • By forgiving we are letting go of baggage that we violently guard otherwise (as seen in our irrational anger and reaction to being challenged or confronted), and allowing for the potential of growth and new perspectives to exist.
  • Forgiveness is not saying everything was ok, it is saying past events no longer are allowed to have control over you.
  • Writing a letter to the offender, stating your forgiveness has been given, and burning or shredding it afterward (rather than mailing it) is a great exercise to facilitate forgiveness of self or others.
•       Motivation
  • Recognizing where our behaviors and thoughts originate is a great first step to identifying subconscious control in our lives. Why did we say that? Why did we stay silent? Why were we upset? Etc…
  • Keep a nightly accountability journal with honest and true answers to the following questions:
    1. Did I do or say anything today that was meant to protect my false self (the out of control ego)?
    2. Why did I think this was necessary in the moment?

By taking these two steps we begin to create room for growth in ourselves as well as develop our “observing self”. With the development of the “observing self” we gain the ability to take a third person perspective on our thoughts and behavior, and evaluate it objectively rather than through the veil of emotion and ego.

The Challenge

Our ego is a suit of armor we have built that weighs so much it prevents us from standing. Yet we put it on each and every morning.

What would it look like to wake up and not wear that burden any longer?

How would our behavior be different if we weren’t driven by the need to guard against criticism and perceived assault on our fragile identity?

Who would we be if we took off that mask?

Where would we go in life with this new-found freedom?

Lastly, after answering the questions above, why would we choose the out of control ego over the authentic self?

The post Ego is the Enemy appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

You may be wondering what is the correlation between all of these terms, and if so, you would be right to do so. You see, these terms describe connections amongst naturally occurring phenomenon and are surprisingly insightful into relationships of all kinds. Each of us long for relationships that compliment our character, while allowing our deficiencies to be absorbed by the sufficiency of others. This might be why we fall so hard in love with our partners, but then after years of being together begin to notice their opposite behaviors and personality traits. We want to change them into mirror images of our own sense of perfection (which of course is ourselves!). The very reason we were initially attracted, becomes the reason we want to part.

What if we can return to just being ourselves in the presence of who we associate with, and allow others to exist in their natural states? Could we watch a coordinated dance of individuals contributing to the naturally occurring connectivity found within our natural states? I love you with all of me, so that you can love me with all of you.

Neurologically Speaking

There are these interesting parts in our brains called Mirror Neurons. Mirror neurons function in a way that is congruent with what their clever title suggests. They pick up on sensory feedback in our environment, and voila, they begin to mirror it! Have you ever silently moved your mouth while another is speaking to you? Have you ever began to feel restless when suddenly the group your with starts to panic?  Have you ever cringed at the sight of another smelling something foul? You can thank mirror neurons for all of these responses. Mirror Neurons function in your subconscious automatically. This is very important in the context of both survival and relationships. If we had to solely rely on our conscious ability to pick up on potentially threats in our proximity, we might be conversing with someone over a nice Dutch Bros coffee, miss the threatening cues from our environment, and not take cover, as a truck slams into our peaceful picnic table. We might be watching our team (NY Mets) winning in the last inning while sitting aside from a gentle faced man, but inside this man is ready to commit homicide, takes a gun from his coat and points it at the waitress. Suddenly the waitress and onlookers go into panic, but because we are so focused on the Mets, and our mirror neurons are no longer automatic we, think… “Come on Syndergaard, just strike him out!” It is not too much to suggest that we are actually all connected to each other instinctively, naturally, and out of necessity.

Making Connections

In order to make a healthy connection with others, we must feel safe around them. This felt safety is vitally important in the development of healthy relationships. However, if we do not feel safe around our loved ones, we cannot simply un-feel this. Naturally, our relationship with them will be based upon surviving: Fight, flight, or freeze and not thriving: Intimacy, love, respect and connection.

How then do we begin to feel safe, how do we exist with each other in the midst of all the fear that surrounds us at all times? There is hope!

Approaches to Safety

Proxemics

Proxemics is “[t]he branch of knowledge that deals with the amount of space that people feel it necessary to set between themselves and others.” (Dictionary.com) With good mindfulness skills in place, simply notice you are feeling a little uncomfortable with how close you are to another individual. Then, allow yourself to make more space between you and them. This simple approach could ease your physiology, psychology, emotionality, and in the case of a bad breath attack, your olfactory regulation systems.

Verbal Mirroring

In many cases, we present a desire for emotional connection with others verbally. When this underlining desire is not reciprocated or an emotional connection is not established at this point, our attempts are thwarted and we are left feeling missed and disconnected. Then, often times we revert to aggression or passive aggression to reestablish this lost connection. This gentle and passive attempt for connection quickly morphs to a demanding, “You will feel like I feel!” And now that the feeling is hurt, the other person is either provoked to wrath, verbally assaulted, or a reservation is made for the next plane trip to dissatisfaction via the US Airlines, baggage at an additional charge. Once both parties are feeling hurt, the connection is established. This is a very unhealthy form of connectivity. All this hurt can be avoided by attempting to connect to the initial emotional pallet being served up. Instead of disagreeing with the verbal presentation, adding on to the presentation, or blatantly disregarding the presentation, try reflecting (mirroring) the presentation. i.e. “I am feeling tired and frustrated today”, “So you mean you feel tired and frustrated today, what’s going on?”

Nonverbal Connection

If you have never watched a movie in an unfamiliar language or perhaps seen a captivating scene on mute, I suggest you give it a shot. Challenge yourself to try and identify what is going on in the scene minus the verbal presentation. Chances are this will not be a very difficult task. Our bodies communicate as much, if not more, than our words. We have more neurons in our gut than our brains. Which means, if we are sensitive to the changes in our bodies while interacting with others, we may have a greater chance of providing necessary attention to ourselves in order to maintain our sense of safety. This will allow us to communicate effectively and productively with others without reverting back to our fight, flight, or freeze ways of reacting.

This self-awareness is the first step in being able to notice others. “Hey, I remember feeling crowded, maybe they are crossing their arms and legs and facing downward because I am presenting myself as intimidating or aggressive. I think I will slow my speech, lower my tone, and take a step back or angle my body away from directly facing them”. If we fail to consciously care for ourselves, and we begin to feel threatened without consolation, we will remain focused on our self-preservation, and not on others. Exclusive self-centeredness, self-focus, and self-interest in a world designed for concern for others and connection with others is a recipe for dissatisfaction and physical and mental illness. Notice yourself, be respectful and kind to yourself; notice others, and be respectful and kind to others.

Breathe

All living animals breathe and all living organisms, to include anaerobic organisms, respire. As it turns out, breath is directly connected to our nervous system and other vital self-regulation systems found within our body. Could breathing differently directly result in living differently? Or perhaps, could changing our breathing during stress and danger/perceived threat result in an ability to feel safety, agency, and peace?

There is a vast amount of research being produced that shows the value in focusing on breathing healthily. Fast and shallow chest breathing, where the deepest point of the inhalation rests within the chest results in a release of adrenaline and cortisol. These chemicals result in stress and anxiety. Remember the last time you were stressed, or in a traumatic situation, how was your breathing? In contrast, deep and slow diaphragm breathing, where the deepest point of the inhalation rests within the lower stomach results in a release of oxytocin, and other relaxation hormones. Deep and slow focused breathing has an immediate and direct positive effect on our immune system, heart rate variance, stress reduction, PH in blood, and blood pressure. Through breathing, we can change the body with the mind, and establish one of the most vital connections existing in nature: The mind-body connection. This mind-body connection will facilitate the connection with others, and help change the course of the world for the better.

References:

http://www.npr.org/2010/12/06/131734718/just-breathe-body-has-a-built-in-stress-reliever

http://www.dictionary.com/

The post Connectivity appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

Last week, we discussed suicide as a growing epidemic in our country and city. You can catch up here.

When attempting to help your adolescent act on their need for counseling, it can be helpful to understand that counseling is a process…

It took a while to get in this hole, it will take more than one session to get out.

One of the most disturbingly common experiences I’ve had with teens is inconsistency in treatment. Not because of the teen, but oftentimes because the entire family system does not make treatment a priority. The barriers to scheduling can include (but are not limited to):

• a teen’s extracurricular activities
• a teen without a driver’s license is often reliant on their parent’s transportation
• many parents have more than one child and/or more than one job
• many teens may live at more than one location, such as in join custody scenarios

The scheduling takes work! Moreover, life happens and that one to two times per week that the family worked so hard to find suddenly doesn’t work out. But here’s the thing, your child’s wellbeing MUST take precedence.

Taking your child to counseling may not feel like a life or death choice,

but in Colorado Springs, we are finding more and more instances of

suicide that escalated far before anyone might have predicted.

As a counselor, I practice what I preach. I regularly go to counseling and a support group. I stay consistent, so when emergencies pop up, I can reschedule or cancel without much of a problem. The days when I feel like I don’t really need to go often end up being the most productive sessions because I am in a good place and can work hard in session.

Consistency is key.

Counseling sessions account for so little of a client’s time each week. Conversely, there are hundreds of hours each week that a client can be implementing what they discovered in session. Without consistency in attending sessions, it can be difficult to follow through on this implementation. Making therapy consistent can also begin to lay the framework for the client that all of their self care must be consistent in order to be efficient and effective.

Consistency —> Efficient and Effective

Don’t count your eggs before they hatch.

Whatever consequences drove you or your teen to counseling are probably not the root issue; they are probably the symptoms of something bigger and deeper. Think of the consequences as a highlighter of an underlying issue rather than the issue itself. Part of counseling is figuring out what life would need to look to in order to feel good about tapering down sessions or discharging from treatment. It is essential not to move too early, because a big part of the change process is not just learning how to make positive change, but also sustain that positive change over time and through upcoming challenges or disappointments.

Goal 1: Initiate change. Goal 2: Sustain change.

Clients tend to heal when their life begins to look drastically different than when they came in.

For teens, this may look like:

• figuring out how to accept and cope with their inner world
• cultivating healthy friendships
• being able to cope with the people they are “stuck” with, such as classmates, coworkers and relatives
• having healthy adults who can mentor them (paid or unpaid)
• fostering a life that is challenging in ways that feel reasonable and exciting
• figuring out how to have boundaries, rest and take time for self care
• finding purpose and meaning in this life
• helping others

When a client’s life begins to provide for them what they need for sustainablegrowth, they might be ready to discharge and try to take on the world with the support of their new community and lifestyle.

The post What You and Your Teen Need to Know About Counseling appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

Colorado Springs has been home to more than 30 suicides in the past two years. Let’s talk about how parents can empower their teens to thrive andsurvive so that these numbers become a thing of the past…

Do not Wait!

Don’t wait until a teen is

• suicidal
• struggling with some form of addiction or numbing behavior such as:
  • substances
  • technology
  • sexual activity
  • relationships
  • over or under eating
  • self-harm
• failing classes
• participating in criminal activity

A few barriers to knowing that your child needs counseling

• Parents waiting for proof of a specific problem before asking, “Couldthere be a problem? Or better yet, “Are things as good as they could be?”
• Because parents are in a position of authority, teens may or may not open up about what’s going on.
• Many Millennials show evidence of insufficient emotional intelligence, so they may not even be aware of their mental health problems or how those problems could be contributing to their struggles at home, work or school.
• Teens may not be willing to ask for or admit that they need help.

How can you know if therapy is helping? 

Measuring the helpfulness of counseling can be a challenge when you are not the client. Don’t be afraid to discuss your desired outcomes, your goals for your teen, and your desire to gauge the helpfulness of counseling with your teen AND with their counselor. When asked what they did in session, many teens answer with something like, “We talked.” When asked what they talked about, they might respond with, “Stuff” or “I don’t know, nothing really.” Just like the teen might need help dealing with their concerns, they might also need assistance in communicating with their parent on sensitive topics. It can also be helpful to remember that counseling is WORK. When asked if they likecounseling, your teen may or may not express that they enjoy the experience of coming to session. This does not necessarily correspond with how much benefit they are seeing due to the experience. And of course, a change in counselor or method of counseling might be helpful, but make that change using communication rather than interpreting silence. I compare counseling to working out. I may or may not like working out, but I certainly like having a healthy body that gets me through the day without any concerns.

Your Part in the Process

Know that your influence on the process is indispensible. ASK (don’t assume you know) how your adolescent wants or needs you to have influence. The honest truth is that adolescents live in families, and they benefit and/or suffer from participating in those systems. While some aspects of being a parent are intuitive or innate, many aspects, such as understanding human development and behavior, are NOT. For instance, it can be helpful to remember that it is developmentally appropriate for adolescents to strive to differentiate from their parents. Parents may struggle with their own emotions as well as discipline in the home during this process. Asking for help from a professional does not indicate that your parenting is lacking. It indicates that you are wise beyond your knowledge. Asking for help also models this skill to your adolescent. Here’s one further- have a teen who doesn’t want to go to counseling? Model for them by going yourself as well, or come to group or family counseling with them. You might learn how to better support them and yourself without smothering or worrying yourself into an ulcer. And let’s say you are a perfect parent… well, you don’t have to be part of the problem to be part of the solution.                                                                  

Prevention is Better than Intervention

When in doubt, come to counseling to figure it out. Many people are not familiar with their pain until it becomes glaring. Similarly, you or your teen might be familiar with their problem, but have no idea that mental health could be at the root of the issue. When we wait to solve a problem until it gets bad, counseling can feel like building a shelter in the middle of a rain storm. Prevention is always better than intervention. When parents wait too long to bring their child to counseling, there is a possibility that the child will need a higher level of care, such as inpatient counseling.

The post How Parents Can Empower Teens to Seek Counseling appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

Mind Your Brain!

Are you paying attention to what is filling your mind? Do you recognize that you have a choice in that process?  The power of positive thinking is a timeless concept. Practicing it daily can be a challenge; yet it is one of the most important things we can do to find balance. From last-century works of Viktor Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning) to the well-researched and proven methodologies by such greats as Thích Nhất Hạnh or Jon Kabat-Zinn, there is something available to fit anyone’s taste and lifestyle.

Neurobiologist Dr. Dan Siegel asks, “Are you paying attention to what you’re paying attention to?” Think about that.  A simple example of positive mindfulness is this:  practice letting go of automatic negative thoughts. When a negative thought comes to mind, quickly reframe it to a true, life-giving thought. Hold onto this process briefly and then—in your mind’s eye—let it go as if blowing a fully-seeded dandelion. Find online mindfulness resources such as Pocket Mindfulness at https://www.pocketmindfulness.com/6-mindfulness-exercises-you-can-try-today/.

Nutrition – Mind and Body

Nutrition is important to our brain and body, BUT did you realize food is not a primary nutrient? The Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN) shares that our relationships, career, physical activity, and spirituality form the plate on which our fruits, vegetables, proteins and whole grains sit. Without our lives—primary nutrients—in balance, it is impossible to effectively fill our plates. Even the most expensive organic, non-processed foods won’t work.

Think about that for a minute. If we focus all our energies and resources on expensive organic foods but are not taking care of ourselves (uh-hmmm . . . self-care!), we are not getting the most out of our efforts.  Other substances that comprise our balanced nutrition are joy, creativity, home cooking, our home environment and physical activity.

If you have more questions, check out the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN). Primarily a training ground for certified nutritionists and health coaches it also provides informational resources on proper nutrition and self-care with some fascinating concepts.

Other helpful resources are Dr. Daniel Amen, leading psychiatrist and self-care proponent, and his wife, Tana Amen, who have written books and created videos and other media sharing ways positive thinking and proper nutrition promote optimal brain health and function. Visit their website http://danielamenmd.com.

Body and Exercise

Our bodies are made to move! Physical exercise such as strength and conditioning work helps us build/maintain strong bodies. Yoga, Pilates and Tai Chi are great forms of flexibility and strength work that help us achieve fluid motion and strong core muscles. All of these allow our bodies to release endorphins, enhance blood flow to the brain and boost our mood . . . alleviating stress and shifting our minds to positive thoughts.

We are each unique, so our best exercise habits are ones we will actually make time for in our busy days. Establish a regular time to go for a walk or hike, join a gym, take up yoga, find a dance studio, learn tennis, connect with a running, cycling or karate club. As the Nike ad says: “Just Do It!”  Who knows! We may just meet a new friend in the process . . . equally important to our souls.

Spirituality

Remember . . . we are mind—body—and spirit creatures. The messages we fill our “spirit” place with will inform our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and ultimately our very lives. Practicing intentional awareness—choosing well to find balance—allows us to live our very best life!

Seem far-fetched? Think about the last time you “just checked” Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or online news. Only spend 24 seconds? Me either. Little glances can quickly suck lots of time. Purposeful time with our thoughts, feelings, our Higher Power or our families can change everything. Are we willing to set down cell phones to allow more time for that?

How might our souls be filled in positive, healthy ways versus what we feel when reading about intense issues of the day broadcast through social media? Focusing on our spirituality and our own families will not solve any world crisis. But what if—by focusing on the positive—we are able to address world and social issues with a calmer spirit and peaceful perspective? Wouldn’t that be a good starting position for critical conversations with people whose opinion differ from ours?

Ancient wisdom tells us we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. If we don’t care about ourselves enough to practice healthy self-care, how can we possibly love others well?  Our challenge today is this:

• If we aren’t already following these practices, let’s begin.
• If we are already pretty good in all these areas, how can you get better?
• Are we willing to mentor a friend, family member or co-worker to better self-care?

Let us live positively intentional!

By Rita Peterson LPC, NCC, to learn more about Rita visit https://mayfieldcounseling.com/about/

The post Self Care appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

Have you often felt misunderstood?  Are your inner thoughts and feelings deep and intense?  Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by the world around you?  Me too.  And I’m frankly relieved to know that this is absolutely normal for about 20 percent of the population.  We are Highly Sensitive Persons, or HSPs.

No, we are not suffering from a mental illness. HSP is neither a diagnosis nor a deficit.  Rather, it is a genetic trait (akin to left handedness).

HSP Explained

HSP, also known by its scientific term Sensory Processing Sensitivity, has been thoroughly researched and documented for over 25 years, thanks largely to the efforts of Dr. Elaine Aron, an HSP herself.  Prior to her work, the trait was frequently mistaken for shyness or even introversion, but today we understand that up to one-third of HSPs are extroverts, and that this trait is evenly distributed among the genders.

Dr. Aron describes four major attributes of an HSP, represented by the acronym DOES.  These are present in varying degrees in those possessing the trait:

D – Depth of Processing: The HSP thinks deeply about the meaning of life, quickly grasps insights, and often has an active spiritual life. He or she is intuitive and creative, and engages in extensive questioning of self.

O- Easily Overstimulated: HSPs can be stressed by noises, crowds, and deadlines. The HSP prefers not to be observed while working, reacts intensely to changes in routine, and requires downtime to recharge.

E- Strong Emotional Reactions: An HSP feels things deeply. He or she understands the perspective of others and generally responds empathetically.  The HSP is usually sensitive to criticism, no matter how well intentioned.

S- Aware of Subtle Stimuli: The HSP notices details and enjoys the beauty found in nature and the arts. Some HSPs startle easily and are sensitive to pain, while others react strongly to caffeine and medications.

HSP in America

Ideally, each person operates in the areas of his or her gifting.  While sensitivity is valued in some cultures, modern America can be a challenging environment for the HSP, and low self-esteem can result. To move beyond these feelings of self doubt, it is important that the HSP and his or her family, teachers, and friends develop an understanding of the trait.  Without this knowledge, inappropriate expectations, criticism, and even unkindness can result.  But, with this knowledge, key people can become allies by showing genuine interest and engaging the HSP in creating an environment of acceptance.

Many HSPs grow up asking, “What’s wrong with me?”  The answer, of course, is “nothing!”  Different is not flawed.  I am personally encouraged to learn of the truly exceptional attributes of HSPs.  We are innovative problem solvers, valuable to a broad array of employers, though we often choose entrepreneurial endeavors. We demonstrate genuine care for others (and for our adopted causes) with intensity. We create beautiful art and music that touch the souls of our fellow travelers in this life.  Once an HSP has both self-understanding and the support of loved ones, he or she is able to flourish.

Now What?

Does this sound like you or someone you care about?  If so, it is important to study the evidence and embrace the HSP trait as reality; then begin to design a lifestyle that nurtures, rather than condemns, sensitivities.  It is frequently necessary for the HSP to look back at past life events (to include traumas) through the lens of newfound self-awareness.

Want to learn more?  Check out hsperson.com, where you can take a self-assessment (or one for your child), learn more about the research, and even find an HSP-informed therapist.  If you’re on the front range, reach out so we can join together to explore the richness that is you – a Highly Sensitive Person.

By Jan Rosko MA, NCC, LPC, to learn more about Jan visit https://mayfieldcounseling.com/about/

The post Are you a Highly Sensitive Person? appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

What if I told you that a fear of mental illness is unfounded? What if I told you that what you do not see is, actually, a normal physiological response to internal and/or external stimuli.  What if I told you that mental and emotional struggles are just as real as physical ones?

Are You Possibly Living in a Bubble?

Webster’s Dictionary defines stigma as a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. As human beings, it is often in our nature to stigmatize what we do not understand. Why do we do this? In some situations, the response can stem from unconscious fear but, generally, stigmas are perpetuated due to ignorance and apathy. We can become comfortable in our bubbles of what we know and understand. To venture outside of our bubble can create a risk of change that we may be averse to. I am not taking a judgmental stance, I am simply stating what I have witnessed and experienced during my time as a counselor. There is a need to be constantly reassessing our own perspectives in order to avoid the negative effects of stigmatization.

What Do You See?

One of the biggest stigmas our society faces is mental and emotional illness. Working with people can be a difficult task, especially if they are struggling mentally or emotionally. As a society, we tend to overlook the depth of the need because we feel uncomfortable with mental health issues. Instead of taking a step back to assess our own struggle, we choose to placate with worthless or useless comments and dismiss the affected person as deeply troubled. Why are we so afraid of what we cannot see? We would not treat a person with a physical aliment the same way so why do we dismiss mental and emotional struggles? Most likely it is because we often do not understand what we cannot see, and this can be unnerving.

What are the Facts?

The National Institute of Mental Health (www.nimh.nih.gov) indicates that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting nearly 40 million adults, 18 years and older (18% of the population). Depression is the leading cause for disability in the United States with over 15 million affected between the ages of 15 and 44. If anxiety and depression are this common, why are we not talking about it?

The Messy Embrace

Instead of perpetuating a stigma that produces shame, guilt, and secrecy, this conversation should be brought into the light. This stigma can be broken when we understand the physiological conditions of the brain and body, the impact of attachment and relationships, and the posture of the care-giver when working with hurting people. The MESSY EMBRACE happens when we allow these three things to play out in real-time. As we journey with people towards understanding, to healing and towards wholeness, we must understand that everyone’s journey looks different. Everyone’s healing is going to be MESSY as they sort out their emotions, their hurts, their frustrations, and their uncertainties.

By Dr. Mark Mayfield PhD, LPC, NCC

The post Stigma appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.

This is an excellent question that often gets overlooked by mental health providers. We tend to take for granted that people will “just know” if they need therapy or not, but there is a whole process of decision making for people that rarely involves the clinician.

Therapy Can Almost Always be Useful

In the spirit of full disclosure, let me just say first that I am a big believer in the idea that just about everyone can benefit from therapy. Even people who are well-adjusted and feeling fulfilled can experience growth, insight, and greater richness in life by engaging in the therapeutic process. So, if you are asking yourself (or your spouse, or a friend, or a therapist), “Can I benefit from therapy,” the answer is “Yes!” However, this is probably not the question you are intending to ask yourself.

What is Holding You Back?

People struggle with the notion of going to therapy for a variety of reasons. For some, it is a time commitment that feels like “one more thing” to add to an already stressful life. Some are concerned about the financial aspect of participating in therapy. For many, the main hurdle that gives people pause has to do with the stigma that is attached to anything mental health related in our society. Needing therapy is viewed as a weakness, a failure of character, and a cause for shame. This mentality often results in individuals, couples, and families living with pain for longer than is necessary, waiting until a crisis arises, and/or experiencing avoidable loss or damage in relationships.

Social stigma could be an entire post in and of itself, so let’s try addressing this question from a different angle. What if we were to apply the same decision making process to therapy that we might use in deciding whether to engage the services of another professional, such as a doctor, a mechanic, or a plumber?

What is Your Threshold?

Over time, we tend to develop an awareness of what we can handle ourselves, and what needs professional attention. In the case of medical issues, we learn that there are some maladies, such as a cold or a scrape, we can ride out or treat ourselves, while other things, such as a broken bone or difficulty breathing, would be best handled by a medical professional. To extend this metaphor further, there are times when something starts out manageable, such as a cold, but turns into something that requires medical attention, such as bronchitis or pneumonia. There are also medical issues that can seem minor at first but turn out to be fairly serious. For example, the chest pain you thought was heartburn may actually be a sign of heart disease.

Unless you are one of those people who would rather die than go to the doctor, you have probably developed a threshold for when to seek medical attention. Criteria may include such things as how miserable you feel, how much the injury/illness is interfering with your daily life, and how much it is affecting those around you. These very criteria may easily be applied to mental health, as well: if your emotional or relational struggles are creating distress, interfering with your daily activities or motivation, and/or affecting others in your life, it makes sense to seek the help of a mental health professional.

• Is this issue creating emotional distress for me?
• Is this issue impacting my daily life?
• Is this issue impacting others?

We can even extend this decision making process to something more mundane and impersonal, like car troubles or leaky faucets. There is typically no shame in saying, “I need to take the car to the shop,” or, “I think it’s time to call the plumber.” Why, then, is it so difficult to make the same call when our emotions become overwhelming or our stress unmanageable? I suppose we are back to the social stigma issue, but if we can start making a personal paradigm shift by viewing the need for mental health assistance as being similar to needing to see a doctor, go to a mechanic, or call a plumber, perhaps we can catalyze a change in our community toward a perception of mental health that is life-giving rather than shaming. Or maybe this personal shift in perspective will simply allow you to give yourself permission to seek professional help, bringing relief from your suffering sooner than you would otherwise have experienced.

Take Action

Review the three questions listed above and apply them to your own situation. If you answer “yes” to any of them, you are very likely to find therapy beneficial. I encourage you to make some phone calls, browse some websites, and gather information about what it would be like for you to engage in the therapeutic process. Just as you wouldn’t continue to drive your car when the engine light is on, you need not continue to power through life feeling distressed and distraught.

By Jill Marvin Davis PsyD

The post How do I know if I need therapy? appeared first on Mayfield Counseling Centers.